“The New Year stands before us
like a fresh chapter in a book.”

Fuck that existential bullshit. 2018 will be the same shit it was in 2017. New year, same shit. Waiting for the calendar to flip to an arbitrary date to make radical change in your life is a bullshit excuse for procrastination.

New Year’s resolutions are mostly half-hearted, feel-good goals with no accountability system, deadline or measurable outcome. It’s not surprising only 9.2% of people feel they’ve been successful in keeping a New Year’s resolution.

Listening to office talk, or engaging in small talk at a bar (the. worst. ever.), and hearing people discuss their resolution’s is like that scene in The Wolf of Wall Street

Do you know what Fugazi is? Fugazi, Fugayzi, it’s a wahzi it’s a woozie, it’s fairy dust. It’s not fucking real.

If it were actually real, you’d keep that shit to yourself. Really. Research as far back as 1933 shows that people who talk about their intentions are less likely to make them happen. It’s called symbolic self-completion

Frustrated, I did some Googling to find some of the more common 2018 New Year’s resolutions. Then, I handpicked a few to make my “2018 Fuck It List.” Or a list of things I won’t be doing in 2018, because I’ve got other plans. The kind I won’t tell you about.

Swear less

Fuck that. And not just because scientists agree that people who swear more generally have a higher intelligence level.

It also isn’t a sign of a lack of vocabulary. I know a lot of words, I just really fucking like swear words.

I’d even say I’ve mastered the art of using swear words to communicate with maximum effectiveness. Swear words have a distinct eloquence that can, in far fewer words, set the tone, emotion and intentions of a conversation.

If you need further proof that swear words have a certain ability to convey every emotion inside of our being, take a look the final words of pilots – recorded by the black box – as they crashed down to Earth.

Be a better person

Look, I’m pretty fucking great. I work damn hard. I’m really good at what I do. I’m an awesome dad. I’m a caring friend.

Yeah, yeah. I’m sure my mom would probably tell you I’ve got some areas to work on. But, who asked her? This is my fuck it list. And I think I’m awesome.

There’s a certain component to my character, and my person, of being genuinely who I am. I own my flaws and I definitely let everyone know about my bright spots.

The minute I start trying to “be a better person” to build some social resume, will be the moment I start prioritizing superficial shit over things that actually matter. The things I’ll actually be measured against while I’m being lowered into the ground.

My ultimate life metric is how many people show up to my funeral. I think that’s a great way to measure who a person actually was. I just want a fuck ton of people to come to my funeral.

So, in 2018 I’ll keep measuring against that.

“When I’m dead. Will these people think I was a gigantic asshole, or will they show up to my funeral and be sad to see me go?”

Go on more dates

Are you kidding me? It’s a shit show out there, friends.

I was in a relationship for six years. Before that one, four years.

Then, I spent 2017 as a single person. My god, was it a fucking disaster. Apparently, you only get dates online now. Like, if I were to ask someone out in person, I might be turned into the police for harassment.

So, the online thing’s cool. But, I don’t know why I look so unattractive in pictures. Seriously, I’m way more attractive in real life. I’m not sure why I look like that in pictures…

And the women. Every single woman is a “world-traveling nurse, who enjoys live music, exploring, hiking and new adventures.” Who’s, “Just as happy on a night out as laying in sweatpants and watching Netflix.”

Oh, cool. So, you’re literally like this mythical creature who’s actually completely normal?

Anyway, fuck dates and dating more in 2018. I’ll be at home watching Game of Thrones reruns, picking Cheeto’s crumbs out of my chest hair.

(But if you’re into that kind of thing, totally hit me up…)

Be more honest with my feelings

I can’t even. Do you know how honest I am? I get in a lot of trouble.

I have a rule. If you ask me for my opinion, even the casual, “Hey, Dallas. What do you think about…” I’m going to tell you.

It typically ends with someone’s feeling hurt (not mine) and then me shouting, “You know my rule!” as they walk away pissed at me.

If I was to be more honest in 2018, I’d only make it to January 8th before we’re talking about funeral arrangements and several less people attending said funeral.

Eat less calories

No, really. “Eat less calories” is actually how that resolution is worded.

Not, “eat healthier” or, “go on a diet.”“eat less calories.”

Anyway, calories aren’t the enemy. Some of the healthiest, most fit people on the planet eat over 4,000 calories per day (2,000 is the daily recommended amount). Sitting on your ass all day drinking soda and eating potato chips is the enemy.

Unfortunately, the far majority of us are full-time ass-sitter oners. The thing that is actually killing us, is what is actually paying us enough to live.

Capitalism…

In truth, I made some pretty serious health and fitness changes in the last 18 months with some pretty incredible results. Seriously, find some pictures of me from a couple of years ago…

But, I’ve literally never counted a calorie. I work out five days a week, eat pizza, drink beer and still sit on my ass 50 hours a week and the results are amazing.

So, fuck calories. Get active. Develop good habits, and the rest will work itself out.

Make more measured decisions

I’ve been called a “loose cannon” more than once. And I’ve earned that. I mean, there are risk-averse people, then there’s me.

It’s because I truly believe that every single decision we make can be boiled down to deciding between just two things. Risk or safety.

The safe decision provides an expected outcome. Nothing lost, nothing gained. If it’s the wrong decision, no one blames you.

The risk decision provides growth and opportunity. It’s full of uncertainty. If you make the risky decision and you’re wrong or you fail, people are quick to point out and challenge your decision making.

I believe that if you want to get the most out of life, you must lose your inclination for safety and adopt a style of life that confronts risk and uncertainty. Once you become accustomed to such a life, I believe you’ll find the true beauty in a life full of new encounters and experiences.

So, don’t overthink your decisions in 2018. Go with your gut. If it scares the hell out of you, do it.


Conclusion

So, there you have it. The glory that is my 2018 F*ck It List.

Now, don’t take this the wrong way. I do have goals for 2018. A lot of them. But I keep those intentions to myself. My goals are private, with built-in accountabilities, due dates, and actual progress check-ins.

As unnatural as it sounds to keep your plans private, I implore you to try it. And if you fail, start over. Don’t wait until 2019. Pick Wednesday. The 13th. March, August, or July. It doesn’t fucking matter. Anyday is better than a year from now because when next year rolls around and you’ve made exactly zero progress, you’re going to wish you started on that random Tuesday seven months ago.

So, go be the first Vegan that goes vegan without talking about it. Be the first one to privately train for a marathon. Join a Crossfit gym and don’t buy a complete “I Crossfit” wardrobe.

It’s not impossible, it’s just never been done.

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